THE BAIL MARY
By Lane C.
Staff Writer
Good afternoon. The Michigan Wolverines might have just suffered more from a win than they would have from a loss.
On Saturday night in Ann Arbor, the Western Michigan Broncos rolled into the Big House ready to shock the country. Coming in as 27.5-point underdogs, the Broncos, with a win, would have pulled off the second-biggest upset against Michigan in history, trailing only the infamous Appalachian State shocker in 2007.
Through 60 minutes (the official regulation runtime of a college football game) it seemed that the impossible had been achieved. Western Michigan’s defense had absolutely smothered $12-million quarterback Bryce Underwood. After a failed Hail Mary left the clock reading double zero, Underwood’s team looked astounded. The score read 12-7. Western Michigan wins. Bryce Underwood finished with an abysmal statline of just 11-for-21, passing for 123 yards and no touchdowns. He also threw a puzzling interception before halftime. Game over. Western Michigan couldn’t wait to party for the entire hour-and-a-half drive home.
Not so fast! The Big Ten refs weren’t quite satisfied with this outcome. After the stadium fell silent and the Wolverines sulked on the sideline, the officiating crew announced that one second would be added to the clock. One more play. The explanation was that WMU safety Micah Davis touched the ball with one second remaining. The issue was that the television replays showed him clearly touching it after the clock hit zero. No doubt about it.
After both teams were dragged back onto the field, Michigan made the most of its opportunity.
Underwood took the snap, bought some time (again) and launched a 47-yard prayer. A prayer soon to be answered by football satan. JJ Buchanan of the Michigan Wolverines came down with it. The game was now over (again). This time a different victor emerged.
The Big House erupted. The crowd rushed the field against a MAC team. Underwood mean-mugged a team of future car salesmen.
The Big Ten has defended the decision. Grainy fan footage showed an official pointing to the clock, which retained one second after the touch. OK. That seems iffy. The controversy proved louder than the win. We will see how Michigan fares against Oklahoma, but they have given spectators little in the way of confidence.
THE AGE OF UNRETIREMENT
By Lane C.
Staff Writer
Good afternoon. Aaron Donald is in the NFL again.
Donald, possibly the greatest defensive tackle to ever play the game, adds even more star power to a high-octane Los Angeles Ram team which added two-time Defensive Player of the Year Myles Garrett in June. Donald last played in the 2023 season before his relatively early retirement. He recorded eight sacks.
Donald has signed a one-year deal worth $20 million, though added playoff incentives could see him make up to $30 million. Under normal circumstances, a team paying this much for a player who hasn’t seen the field since 2024 would be considered a reach. Donald, in any form, is no reach. He is tied for the most Defensive Player of the Year awards in history with three, along with J.J. Watt and Lawrence Taylor. In only 10 seasons, he was selected first-team All-Pro a whopping eight times. All of this to say, Aaron Donald on a down year is still one of the most imposing forces in the league.
The Rams are clearly going all in, and adding Donald to a line that already includes Garrett could be an opposing QB’s nightmare. If both are healthy, there will be very little room for error on the offensive side of rival teams.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, Odell Beckham Jr. has returned to the New York Giants. This team can’t keep healthy. Jaxson Dart has proven to be a regular at the concussion tent. Cam Skattebo runs into walls headfirst for his own enjoyment. Do we think a 33-year-old coming off of multiple leg injuries can steer this ship? Hit my email if not, but I don’t believe he is the man to push them over the hump.
BROWNS QUARTERBACK DECISION DRAWS CRITICISM
By Lane C.
Staff Writer
Good afternoon. Deshaun Watson has been named the starting quarterback for the Cleveland Browns.
Amidst a high-profile QB room battle amongst himself, Shedeur Sanders, and Dillon Gabriel, the Browns front office seemingly clings to the sunk cost fallacy like a needy ex. Now in the fourth year of his 5-year, $230 million guaranteed contract, the quarterback looks like a shell of a shell of a shell of his Texans’ form. Against the Bears third stringers in preseason, Watson finished the second half with a particularly putrid statline: 5 of 12, 35 yards, and one pick to no touchdowns.
Cleveland fans raucously boo him after seemingly every play. This is partially due to poor play, but also stems back to his 20 plus sexual assault allegations which hang over him more and more each week. To recap, a player who can’t complete 50 percent of his passes against third stringers and is possibly a sexual predator was chosen to start over his contemporaries. Just how bad is this quarterback room?
Though he might be the most hyped 3rd day draft pick of all time, Shedeur Sanders has played like he deserved to be the 144th pick up to this point. His rookie season saw him finish with just 7 touchdown passes to 10 interceptions. In Shedeur’s defense, is this really that much worse than pre-injury Deshaun Watson was? How about Dillon Gabriel’s year? He may have finished with 7 touchdowns to only 2 interceptions, but the Browns ended up with a 1-5 record in six starts. Who wins in this scenario?
Amongst theories that the Browns are hoping Deshaun gets injured which would recover some money due to contract clauses, the real losers in this situation are Browns’ fans. The worst franchise of all time just can’t seem to claw their way out of purgatory.
CLIPPERS ESCAPE CALAMITY
By Lane C.
Staff Writer
Good morning. Billionaires! They do what they must, because they can.
Gone are the days of the hometown tycoon buying teams up out of conquest and, perhaps equally, ego. In hindsight, those guys still resembled sports fans. As NBA teams have surged to an average selling price of around $5 billion, the comparatively plebeian rich folk with only a few billion to their name simply can’t outpunch the new age money. The upkeep of a team has proven to be quite an annoyance to Trailblazers owner Tom Dundon, who has famously cut costs in such egregious ways as canceling free t-shirt night.
On the other end of the spectrum, former Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer has been able to run his Clippers team (purchased for $2 billion in 2014) as one might run a fantasy football team in a league with a $15 buy-in. With an estimated net worth of $145 billion, perhaps one can understand how he might struggle to understand or concern himself with the rules and laws of the layman.
When the story broke that Kawhi Leonard had received millions of dollars in endorsements from a company Ballmer was an investor in, many fans believed that such an obvious circumvention of the salary cap would warrant some sort of punishment. The cofounder of the company was even arrested for falsifying financial data. Now, the NBA has reportedly found no wrongdoing after investigating. What happened? Perhaps in assuming consequences, we have overlooked reality. This class of person does not live in the same realm as you do.
In believing that NBA commissioner Adam Silver might bring the hammer down, many fans forget that his job is, first and foremost, to make the owners and the league more money. It is not unfair to compare him to a personal lawyer for the owners in this sense. Someone in such a position works for Ballmer, not the other way around. In Silver’s eyes, his only mistake was failing to cover the story up more effectively.